Boffins Say They Created a Quantum Bullshit Detector by Entangling Uninspired Academic with Cynical Grump

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Quantum Bullshit Detector
Actual representation of what a quantum bullshit bullshit detector would look like if it were a ball with a bunch of light strings attached to it.

In another step toward quantum mediocrity, scientists from The Quantum Daily’s Entangled Entanglement Laboratory said that they succeeded in creating a quantum bullshit detector that can automatically dismiss any new quantum research or progress.

The researchers say that the key is, of course, QUANTUM all-caps entanglement. By entangling plodding, uninspired academic work with a knee-jerk grumpy cynicism, the scientists created a device that can sluggishly remain in a state of superposition that is somewhere between shallow skepticism and a deeper, richer form of boorish academic envy.

“What’s profound about this work is that it is both realizable and scalable,” said Ion Bond, chief scientists at Emerson, Lake, and Palmer chair of advanced academic studies at the EEL, “We’ve taken two elements in physics — a sort of plodding, unimaginative academic and a grumpy cynic — that can make shallow automatic pronouncements on quantum progress. It’s a real step toward quantum mediocrity.”

Quantum mediocrity is the goal of demonstrating that even if a programmable quantum device can solve a problem that classical computers practically cannot and even if that quantum device could eventually run f*cking circles around a supercomputer with half of its godd*mn processor wrapped behind its superconducting coil that some a**hole will say, “Meh. Big deal.”

The research team said that, because the quantum bullshit detector must maintain this highly delicate, fragile cynical-skeptical state, any remotely constructive observation will collapse the wave function back into its decohered state, which, coincidentally, is also the name of the quantum bullshit detector’s alma mater.

When reached for comment, the Quantum Bullshit Detector replied, “Bullshit.”

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